"He is"

My heart is swollen with love, sadness, pain and forever gratitude for my wonderful Savior.

This past month has been a bit draining on our hearts.

I have gone back and forth on whether or not to share my experience so publicly,

 but looking back throughout my entire life

writing has been very therapeutic for me and so I type on....

After returning home from all our fun adventures we were full of anticipation to hear the

sweet heartbeat of our second little one.

We knew I couldn't have been more than 10 weeks along, but since we had been on vacation for 7 weeks, we hadn't been to any doctors.

I had been very sick while in CT (which is completely normal-I was sick with Bryson for 26 weeks)

 but kept pretty occupied with all of our activities and pushed forward.

We were so excited!!

All our immediate family knew, but we decided to hold off in telling our close friends until we had gone to the doctor.

When we got to the doctors office, my nerves became almost unbearable.

 I remember saying to myself  "why am I so nervous, I have done this part before," but something

 just didn't feel right

(in fact I had been worried for a few days, because something just didn't feel right).

When my name was called and they got me all set up, I felt better,

a sense of calmness and peace came over me.

When the ultra sound tech looked at the screen blankly for a few seconds (felt like a few minutes),

 I began to feel a little more uneasy.

When she looked up at me and Ben with sadness in her eyes,

 I knew something was wrong.

When she began to say "I'm sorry...I can't find a heartbeat,"

 a rush of grieve and pain covered my entire body like a cold, unwanted blanket.

 I began to shake.

I began to cry.

At that moment I looked at Ben and saw tears running down his face.

There was an empty feeling, something I had never felt before.

I took a breath.

After the nurse left, Ben and I embraced one another.

 In that moment I felt peace.

 I felt love and comfort.

Although that experience was terribly unwanted, like always, it's at my lowest moments in life when I feel my Savior the closest.

He is there.

He knows me.

He knows my pain,

 and through Him I can find peace.

This is an incredibly beautiful song by Hilary Weeks "He Is," that really portrays my own thoughts into lyrics. 

I am forever grateful for my Savior,

His love and comfort is endless.

I am forever grateful for my dear husband, for his continual support and countless hugs,

 my love for him is eternal.

I am forever grateful for my sweet little B,

who without even knowing picked me up out of darkness and showed me the light,

 he will always be my ray of sunshine.

I am forever grateful to my dear family and friends who have truly shown selfless love.

Life is tender.

Life is rocky.

Life is filled will little miracles.

Life is about finding Christ and turning to Him always...

 "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass,  its about learning how to dance in the rain."